Have you ever wondered how many words the average person speaks each day? It’s suggested that it’s around 16000 for women and 15500 for men.
Curiously, what’s unknown is how much of what we say is truly heard by the person or people to whom the words are directed and the conversation intended.
Research on this topic would be interesting because we can talk a lot, yet we are sometimes not good listeners.
Yet, as we all know, listening is crucial for sustainable and healthy relationships. Mastering the art of effective listening is also an essential skill for influential leadership and helps you expand your sphere of influence.
Would you classify yourself as a good listener, and if you do, how do you know objectively know that?
Like all aspects of communication, listening is a skill, which means a person’s approach can range from least to most effective.
Today, I’m going to challenge you to examine what level of listening you usually operate from. There are six levels of listening, and at each level, there are steps you can take to progress and elevate your effectiveness.
Level 1 – Rejected Listening: ‘I can’t be bothered’
Imagine sitting in a meeting or a conversation, but you aren’t listening. You are thinking about the weekend, what you want to have for lunch or what else is on your agenda for the day. In fact, you are thinking about anything but the conversation that is in front of you.
What you have just imagined is the first level – Rejected Listening. In reality, this could be classified as not listening because you might be physically present, but you are tuned to a completely different channel.
Progressing to Level 2:
The first step is to make the conversation matter to you. You are in the conversation for a reason. Check in on that reason and consider the implications of being disengaged and disinterested. What does it say about you as a leader, a colleague, or a friend?
Level 2 – Distracted Listening: ‘I’m too busy’
When I look back at my time in corporate, I had a horrible habit of sitting at my desk and continuing to type on my computer when someone came to talk with me. While I thought I was multitasking, my body language and actions said, ‘I am too busy to talk to you.’
Thankfully, it was a habit I learned to change.
In contrast, one of my former team members had this lovely habit of standing up if someone approached her desk to talk to her. By standing up, she demonstrated to the other person that they mattered and that she wanted to listen to them. It was a compelling and influential behavioural approach. It’s a principle worth revisiting — being heard starts with hearing others first.
Level 2 listening is essentially faux listening. You might appear to be listening, but your mind is distracted and split. You may nod or give short responses, but you’re not truly engaged or invested in the conversation. You are only hearing part of the conversation.
Progressing to Level 3:
Build on the earlier elements and elevate your presence. Put away distractions such as your phone or laptop. Consider shifting the conversation to a location where you can best focus.
Use techniques that can help you focus. For example, consciously maintain eye contact. If appropriate, take notes during the conversation.
Level 3 – Selfish Listening: ‘I’m really important’
Many of us are guilty of falling into the trap of selfish listening.
Here, you focus more on your thoughts and responses than deeply listening to the other person.
When you engage in selfish listening, you are effectively telling the other person—either actively or passively—that you think you are more important than them.
This is because your focus is on being heard rather than on hearing the other person. While they are talking, you are thinking about your response, comment, or story to share, and you are less interested in what they have to say.
Progressing to Level 4:
Moving up the scale takes effort. To progress, you want to make a deliberate effort to listen without interrupting and with intent. This is a focus on active listening. You also want to consider why the other person matters to you and how this conversation can be of value to both of you while elevating your connection.
Practising mindfulness is a useful technique because it can help you stay present in the moment and better manage your wandering mind.
Level 4 – Active Listening: ‘I’m interested’
At this level, you listen with interest but also, at times, with the expectation of hearing certain things. You might filter the conversation through your own biases and assumptions.
You are listening, but sometimes with a critical and judgemental ear. You are rapidly forming opinions that can hold you back from understanding the context of what is being said. Your assumptions can hinder your understanding. You may miss the full meaning of the conversation and misinterpret elements.
Progressing to Level 5:
To progress, you want to challenge your assumptions, blind spots and preconceived ideas.
Curiosity is your friend, so you approach the conversation with care. You ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand their perspective, positions and context. You play back what you are hearing to ensure you haven’t misinterpreted the conversation.
You use your emotional intelligence at work to sense what is being said and unsaid. Patience, empathy, and compassion are key emotional drivers.
Level 5 – Empathic Listening: ‘I’m here for you’
At this level, you listen, focusing on what is being said and unsaid. You notice the person’s words, body language, and other subtle cues.
You are fully engaged, curious and emotionally responsive. You are in tune with the person and their fears and feelings, as well as your own. You are also willing to challenge your assumptions, expectations, interpretations and judgements.
Progressing to Level 6:
To reach the highest level of listening, you focus on deep and meaningful connections.
Everyone wants to feel they have been heard. When a person feels heard, they feel like they matter to you. They feel like their point of view has been considered and that you are interested in what they have to say. They feel respected.
Being heard doesn’t mean you need to agree with their perspective. It means you are fully present, focused on them, and ignore distractions. You’re genuinely interested and curious. You ask questions and seek to clarify before sharing your ideas or providing a solution.
You listen empathetically and with compassion because you are seeking to understand what they need in a non-judgemental manner. By doing this, you acknowledge their feelings and recognise what they need.
You also recognise your own limitations and the mental model you are using in the conversation. You are ready to challenge yourself and consider the conversation from multiple levels—what is said and not said and what is known and unknown. You appreciate and embrace uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity.
Level 6 – Conscious Listening: ‘I’m fully present’
This is the highest level of listening, where you are fully present, empathetic, and deeply connected with the person. You listen without distractions, judgement or assumptions.
You provide support without expectation. You listen to truly hear and understand. You also recognise your bias and its impact on what you see and hear. You are open to challenging yourself.
It’s an open-heart and open-mind conversation. You are fully with the person. There is connection, transparency and integrity. There is a willingness to sit with the discomfort of the unknown and let the ideas, issues and conversation emerge. There is space and time to ponder, wonder and discover.
Maintaining your Level 6 practice:
Listening isn’t easy.
In a world of distractions, it’s easy to be distracted. When you’re tired, it’s easy to lose focus. When you’re busy, it’s easy to become impatient with a conversation.
Consequently, you may fluctuate on the listening scale depending on the context and circumstances of the conversation. Be kind to yourself when you slip up.
You want to develop techniques and practices that make it easier for you to listen effectively. So, firstly, look at each of the suggestions detailed across the six levels and actively decide which ones you need to work on.
If you are looking for more ideas, here are additional elements to consider:
- Stand up when someone approaches your desk and wants to talk to you.
- Schedule essential conversations at the time of day when you know you will be most alert.
- Turn off all distractions – the phone, email or whatever else may ping or ding during the conversation.
- Find a quiet place to have the conversation where you won’t be interrupted.
- Don’t be afraid of silence or pauses in conversations. Silence creates the space to think, reflect and wisely respond.
- Embark on a daily habit of meditating because this will help you be more mindful during conversations.
- Watch how you react to the conversation, and slow your mind down so that you can absorb what is being said. You want to wisely respond rather than be in reaction mode.
- Be conscious of what the other person needs from the conversation and what you might need. Consider both the stated and unstated needs, as well as what is known or unknown.
Listening is the cornerstone of leadership and influence. By listening, you demonstrate leadership, simultaneously build a better relationship, and gain more influence. It’s also more likely that you will be heard in return.
Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Do you think it’s time to change that saying?