Edit Your Story: The Leadership Narrative You Live By

For as long as humans have sat around fires, we’ve told stories.

We’ve used them to explain what we can’t yet measure, to pass down lessons we don’t want lost, and to make sense of events that feel bigger than us.

We have creation stories, cautionary tales, hero journeys, family histories and many more. Stories are how knowledge is passed across generations, how identity is formed, and how communities connect and remain cohesive.

Stories still play a critical role today.

We read stories to children at bedtime. We swap stories over dinner or when hanging out with friends. We retell the same moments (again and again) until they become “the way it happened”.

So, quietly, in the background of our days, we narrate our own lives. We tell ourselves stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, what something means, and what the future holds.

Of course, a story doesn’t need to be true to be powerful. It just needs to be repeated.

So the question isn’t whether you have a story, but what are the elements that feed the story you tell yourself? Is it grounded in evidence, learning, and perspective? Or is it built on a few emotionally vivid moments, a harsh inner critic, or a desire to avoid discomfort?

That matters because your story isn’t just harmless commentary; it’s sensemaking.

It’s the frame you use to explain what happened, decide what it means, and choose what you do next. When your story is distorted, so too is your interpretation, which in turn affects your confidence, caution, risk appetite, how you show up, and what you do next.

This applies in both your personal and professional life.

Narrative Identity

Psychologists describe narrative identity as the internal, evolving life story we build to create a sense of unity and purpose¹. It’s how we link our past, interpret our present, and justify the future we’re aiming for.

In leadership, that story operates on two levels:

• The inner story: what you tell yourself about who you are, what your day/week/month/year meant, what you can (or can’t) handle, and whether you’re “good enough”.
• The outer story: what others hear from you, infer about you, and repeat about you when you’re not in the room.

We all have a narrative. Problems arise when the narrative becomes outdated, distorted, or unconsciously self-defeating.

Why? Because how you talk about yourself (both your inner and outer voice) shapes your leadership.

Two Leadership Narrative Traps

Many high-performing leaders fall into one of two traps: the harsh critic or the soft narrator.

The Harsh Critic
This narrator is relentlessly corrective. It reduces your days, weeks and months into a running commentary of what you didn’t do, didn’t fix, didn’t anticipate, or didn’t deliver fast enough.

The storyline sounds like:

• “I’m always behind.”
• “I never do enough.”
• “I should be further along by now.”
• “I’m only as good as my last result.”

It’s often wrapped in a layer of perfectionism that, on the surface, appears to be you focusing on high standards. Yet, when overly reductive and punitive, it narrows your thinking, shrinks your willingness to take risks, and pushes you into self-protective, defensive patterns. It also reduces the mental space you need for learning

When your internal voice is threat-focused, you lead like you’re under threat.

The Soft Narrator
This narrator is soothing, but slippery. It protects your self-image by wallpapering over the reality of what’s actually happening.

The storyline sounds like:

• “It was fine.”
• “Nothing really changed.”
• “That wasn’t my fault.”
• “We just need more time.”

This isn’t confidence; rather, it’s comfort-seeking in polished language and, worse, avoidance. It stalls growth by smoothing over what needs to be faced: clear reflection, real accountability, and the small repairs that rebuild trust and performance. It also damages your relationship with your team, colleagues and stakeholders.

The leadership narrator of harsh critic and soft narrator can set default behavioural patterns across the following four areas:

• Risk appetite: If your story is “I’m behind,” you’re more likely to grasp at urgency, over-control, or rush to certainty. If your story is “I’m not cut out for this,” you avoid stretch decisions and visible bets.
• Goals and standards: The harsh critic often sets standards that are vague and infinite (“be better”, “do more”), which guarantees dissatisfaction. The soft narrator sets standards that don’t require change.
• Tolerance for discomfort: Your story determines whether you interpret discomfort as danger or as growth. Discomfort might be a signal you’re doing meaningful work, or it might be a sign you’re repeating a behavioural pattern.
• How you show up to others: Even if you don’t share your story out loud, you leak it in how you frame updates, how you respond to challenges, and what you assume about other people’s intent. Over time, your inner story combines with your outer story, and that can become a social asset or a social tax. Researchers Professor Herminia Ibarra and Kent Lineback² have written about the importance of having a narrative thread that connects your past, present, and future, especially in times of change. Stories help others believe in you and help you believe in yourself.

So, if you don’t shape your story, other people will shape it for you.

And if you shape your story in a way that’s too harsh or too soft, it doesn’t help you, your team, or your organisation. The sweet spot is the honest editor.

Your Honest Editor: Kind, Clear and Accountable

Your editor’s job isn’t to shame or flatter you. It’s to make the story truer, so it becomes more coherent, more insightful, and therefore more useful.

Your aim is accurate meaning-making, not self-attack or self-soothing. You want a clearer account of what happened, what it means, and what you will do next.

This is where self-compassion is often misunderstood. It’s not letting yourself off the hook. At its best, it is the discipline of staying kind enough to be honest. It combines kindness, mindfulness (seeing clearly), and common humanity (remembering you’re not uniquely failing)³. When you bring those elements together, you reduce the need to protect your ego, making it easier to learn, adapt, and improve. If you want more on this, it’s worth checking out the work of Dr Chris Germer and Dr Kristin Neff.

A Narrative Reset Exercise

You want to dig deep and uncover: What story am I currently narrating, and is it helping or hindering the leader I’m trying to be?

One activity that can help you with that question is a narrative reset exercise. This activity is a short, practical reset to bring your inner story and outer story back into alignment.

Step 1: Chapter titles (pattern recognition, not perfection)
Start by giving the last 12 months some chapter headings, as though you were labelling sections in a book rather than listing events in a diary.

Ask yourself: If the last year were a book, what would the chapter headings be?

You’re not looking for a blow-by-blow account, and you’re not trying to make it sound impressive. You’re trying to capture the recurring themes that become the headlines for your year.

For example:

• “Learning to lead through ambiguity”
• “The year of hard conversations”
• “Building a new baseline”
• “Letting go of what no longer worked”

This matters because themes quietly drive behaviour. When you can name the theme you’ve been living, you can also decide whether you want to keep living with that focus and in that manner.

Step 2: Turning points (where you acted differently)
Next, identify two or three turning points where you acted differently, even if the shift was small and no one else would call it a milestone.

Look for moments when you deviated from your usual pattern. For example, you asked a better question instead of rushing to solve it, you held a boundary you would normally have surrendered, you made a decision with less approval-seeking, or you repaired something you would previously have avoided.

The point here is not to “celebrate your wins” (which can feel generic and, frankly, a bit forced). It’s to gather evidence of capability and change.

Turning points are proof that you can adapt, and capability stories are the ones worth keeping because they expand what you believe is possible.

Step 3: Supporting cast (who shaped you)
Then broaden the lens.

Who shifted your thinking over that time period? It might have been a mentor or peer, a team member, a client, or even a difficult stakeholder who forced you to sharpen your clarity.

We often narrate as if we are solo heroes (or solo failures), when the truth is that leadership is relational. We rarely succeed or fail alone.

Noticing (and appreciating) your supporting cast does two useful things at once: it builds humility without diminishing your agency, and it helps you see the relationships that are most influential in your growth, so you can invest in them more deliberately.

Step 4: Rewrite your default line
Finally, listen for your default internal sentence; you know the one you keep coming back to when you are under pressure.

It might be…“I’m behind”, “I’m not doing enough”, “I have to carry it all”, or “I can’t trust anyone to do it properly”.

Treat that line as a draft, not a truth.

Then, rewrite it the way an editor would by being specific, fair, and forward-facing, so it reflects what’s happening and points you toward a better next step rather than trapping you in a loop.

For example, your rewrite might shift from:

• “I’m behind” to “I’m carrying too many priorities; I need to choose what excellent looks like this quarter.”
• “I never do enough” to “I’m measuring myself with an infinite yardstick; I need clearer success markers.”
• “I have to carry it all” to “I need to build capability and decision rights so the work doesn’t bottleneck through me.”

This is where your inner narrative becomes leadership practice.

Align The Story You Live With The Story Others Experience

You also want to align your inner narrative and your external positioning.

One way to do that is to run a quick three-part check by asking yourself these questions:

• Inner story: What am I currently telling myself about my leadership?
• External story: What do I want others to experience and be able to say about my leadership?
• Proof: What are three observable behaviours that make that story true?

That last step is the one that sharpens your leadership edge.

It moves you from identity labels (such as “I’m strategic”) to concrete signals (such as “I set fewer, clearer priorities, I name trade-offs early, and I clarify decision rights so we don’t recycle decisions”).

Importantly, this is where narrative becomes more than reflection; it becomes positioning.

Positioning isn’t spin. It’s sense-making. It helps people quickly understand what you stand for, how you decide, what you pay attention to, and how you respond when things get messy or you get it wrong.

In periods of change, that clarity matters even more, because people look for cues about what is stable, what is shifting, and what they can rely on.

The good news is you don’t need a perfect story. You need one that is practical and demonstrable.

If you want to make it practical, draft a 30-second version you can use in stakeholder conversations, team updates, or performance discussions. A crisp, clean version will cover:

• What you’re focused on: the outcomes and direction
• How you lead: your decision and relationship signature
• What you’re learning: the development edge you’re working on

This short statement provides a clear, consistent narrative grounded in what people see and experience when working with you.

Leadership is hard enough without being weighed down by an old story that no longer fits. So if you’re going to carry a narrative, choose one that strengthens you because it helps you take wise risks, stay open to learning, and lead with more courage and less self-doubt.

For more on reframing your inner story, see Michelle Gibbings’ article From Doubt to Data: How to Reframe Your Inner Narrative and to explore how insight, integrity, and influence shape leadership now more than ever, see Leading with Courage in Uncertain Times

Getting you ready for tomorrow, today®

Award-winning author and global workplace expert, Dr Michelle Gibbings, helps leaders, teams and organisations unlock strategic influence to accelerate progress.

References

1. 1. McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative identity. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(2), 140-146. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721413475622
   2. Ibarra, H., & Lineback, K. (2005, January). What’s your story? Harvard Business Review, 83(1), 64–71, 116. https://hbr.org/2005/01/whats-your-story
   3. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualisation of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.